Friday, August 27, 2010

the upswing... and a near miss

Today I am beginning to feel legitimately better. Emotionally, if in no other way, but hey, I'll take it.

I was able to make a flitratious advance before my second cup of coffee and was able to keep the flirty mood up for most of the day. That is HUGE progress. A week ago, I couldn't give a damn about feeling sexy. Bleh.

So I am still very, VERY tired. My muscles still ache - weird ones, too. Bicep, triceps, pecs, abs (cleverly hidden under a protective layer of fat) back, shoulders and quadriceps. They all hurt. Gluts, hamstrings, and calves are all fine. I can't figure out a rhyme or reason to it, just taking note. And my balance has gone wonky. What's up with that?! Any readers out there (among the six of you) been through this menopause thing and experience vertigo? Very strange stuff. And problematic. I work on ladders and scaffold and such. standing near a high open edge today, I got lightheaded and grabbed hold - in as nonchalant a way as I could manage - of a big stack of gypsum board to steady myself. A couple of times I noticed I just felt dizzy, and I can't figure out why. It is worrisome.

So, I had a good day. My emotions are back up, I got a little work done, I've got a plan for doing things next week, I got paid, I tucked a little money away to pay for some serious ink I have been contemplating for a while, and I had a decent supper.

I find that an upswing can be easily derailed, though.

An offhand remark by a friend can plant a seed of doubt, and the waves of insecurity can start rushing back. I did my best to let it go, to not dwell, but it still lingered.

I went to soak in the landlord's hot tub and relax my muscles. The doubts still swirled. I am not out of the woods yet.

On my way out of the screened gazebo that houses the hot tub, the landlord's cat greeted me. His master is away on vacation, and the cat has access to the house, but apparently he lacks company. I petted him and he purred. I scooped him up to bring into the house and he was not as happy about that as I had hoped. There was no hissing or scratching, but he seemed grateful when I dropped him at the cat door and he darted inside.

I stood in the driveway, lit only by the just past full moon and thought, "I do hope Wayne has a black cat."

I walked toward the path behind the school that leads to my place, and turned to look at the moon. She was beautiful tonight. Almost full, waning just a bit, in a sky clear and midnight blue and dotted with a million stars. It took my breath away. Instinctively, I faced the moon, put my hands together and murmured "let us be in the spirit of worship."

And it was.

For the first time in months, I worshipped.

I did not pray specifically to the moon, but to the mother spirit of the universe. I prayed for strength and patience to get through whatever this is, and I thanked her for reminding me that there will be balance in the world, and in me.

I stood in the driveway, lit as though in daylight by the bright shining moon, miles from anything that most people would recognize as civilization, and I let the moon's rays wash over me. There will be balance. What I am going through will even out. The boat must rock a bit before it settles again.

The peace that came over me was amazing.

I squatted on the ground, not quite kneeling, but still with hands clasped in prayer formation, and allowed myself to submit to the power of nature, the power of the yin and the yan, the balance that spins the planet at just the right speed to keep us all from flying off, the force that runs the tides and makes them come and go and cleanse our shores. It was wonderful.

Filled with peace and wonder, I stood to turn and go home.

And the moonlit yard swirled around me.

I dropped back to my crouch, hands on the ground in front of me.

Dizzy. Swirling, nauseatingly, world-spinning-like-a-ride-at-the-fair-dizzy.

I exhaled.

OK, better. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.

This is NOT where and how I want to pass out, thank you. In the driveway, in a bathrobe and crocks with a towel over my shoulder and a cat that may or may not belong to my landlord as my only witness. Wouldn't that be something for the catsitter guy to find in the morning! Um, no.

Slowly, and mindful of the lesson I had just learned, I gradually raised myself from my crouched position to a full stand. Breathe in and out a couple more times just to make sure I had the hang of it, and OK.

Thank you, mother moon spirit, for the blessing and the lessons. Thank you auntie cat for your supervision of this evening's worship.

I turned and walked into the darkness of the path and back to my own yard.

I have some ideas for self-care for tomorrow. I need to go to bed now so that I can get up and do them. Good night.

4 comments:

msladydeborah said...

Dawn,

Have your had your iron levels checked lately? You might want to do this as soon as possible. Why I am recommending this? Because some of the things that you have described in this post sound like they might be related to your iron count.

The aches and diziness are often related to low iron count. Believe me, I learned this the hard way. So please do yourself a favor and have some bloodwork done ASAP!

Andi P said...

Love. This. You have found your connections again, that which ties you to your surroundings.

I read this last night after you contacted me, then went outside for my own quiet in the dark. The moon had not yet risen over the treeline on the banks of the stream, so the light was muted- but oh, she was indeed bright and crisp like the air.

Everyone else had gone to bed- so I had 10 minutes alone, listening to the night sounds. I walked along the pathway's timbers like a kid on a balance beam, and made my way to the pole beans. They were covered with a slight dew- I ate three of them slowly and savored how cool, refreshing and juicy they were, and thought of you.

I will be sure to send some of them, along with the last of our cherry tomatoes and cukes, up to you next Friday.

Being able to grow my own food the past decade has given me a similar connection to something bigger tha ourselves that you describe here. I now understand why it is what my family has always grown their own and why I didn't feel connected to the other places in the country I lived at in the past. It is work but it is also a gift.

unmitigated me said...

Meh. Skip the expensive bloodwork, and try an iron supplement, along with some vitamin C. You can't absorb one without the other. That's the pedestrian stuff. Let me tell you that my eyes teared up when you greeted the moon and universe with a plea to worship. Almost makes me think I should be doing something like that.

padi said...

You always write so beautifully, even making a potentially terrifying experience spiritual! Cooincidentally, the vertigo thing happened to me recently too and I spent 4 days in the hospital. Could be Meniere's, Epstein Barr's, who knows? I'm no doctor so I'm off to an MRI tomorrow, a nutritionist later in the week, and the ENT doc to interpret the test. At least I have (crappy) insurance! I hope you'll take your recent dizziness seriously, because altho it might be simple iron deficiency, it might not be. Good luck with whatever you decide. Hope you'll be feeling better soon!