Sunday, January 10, 2010

hard times

It's been a tough couple of days.

Friday was awful, of course, because that was the day of the break-up. Then yesterday sucked because I went to a social function that I (we) had committed to weeks ago, and well, I had the pork butt already thawed and waiting to be cooked and what the hell would I do with 9 pounds of pig meat by myself this week. So I cooked it off, made pulled pork with Carolina dipping sauce, and went to the party.

And had to tell everyone.

That sucked.

They were all wonderful and supportive and kind and all that stuff, and it still sucked. It hurts. And every time I tell a new person, it is as if I have to re-live the whole thing. It hurts. Yes, we love each other, no it's not going to work. It's been simmering under the surface for a while. No, I didn't really know it until I said it out loud. No, Laura had less of a clue than I did. Yes, we're pretty shattered. No, I don't really want a hug, but that's what everyone seems to want to do to comfort me (and them) so I take one. And cry some more.

And look, here's another person asking how Laura is and why isn't she here.

crap.

Deep breath, and start again as it comes around on the guitar...

Oof.

I missed blogging last night, too. I was just too spent and too sad and flat-out emotionally exhausted to do it. So today I am doing it early so I don't get nailed again. Besides, this is my morning coffee time, and a good time to catch all four (thanks, new reader!) of you up on the progress in my world.

I came home to an empty house last night. Well, it had a large cat and a small dog in it, but no other people. The heat was turned way back, so it was kind of cold, too. I didn't bother to turn it up, just answered some emails, talked briefly on the phone, and went to bed. Then got up and microwaved an old gym sock filled with dry rice to tuck at the foot of the bed to thaw my toes. It was a cold night.

Laura is staying with some friends, and truly, they are the most wonderful friends we could hope for. I love them dearly, and so does she, and I know they won't take sides and I know they won't feed or nurture drama... they'll let each of us have what we need for space to grieve and not judge. That's nice. And those friends are rare. We are blessed to have more than a couple like that in both of our lives.

Thanks for all the well-wishes, thanks for the personal emails and the facebook messages and even some phone calls. This mourning thing is going to take some time. It's going to be awkward and weird and it will likely come in waves and cycles. Please bear with me.

Stay tuned.


4 comments:

Middle Aged Woman said...

1) According to Google and Blogger, you have about 100 followers, which means lots of us who love and feel for you.
2) I would never have been able to go to that party like you did. Good for you for getting out, but it must have been dreadful.
3) How about virtual hugs? (( ))

msladydeborah said...

Dawn,

You have the right to do your mourning in whatever manner your spirit and heart leads you to do.

We have all been there at some point in our lives. I have never met your personally but I can certainly relate to this moment in your life.

It is hard and oh hell yea it sucks. But in due time and in due season that wound will heal.

Hang in there. And remember that you have people who will lend their support.

melouise said...

Yeah. No words but you know I'm here.

Judie said...

Dawn, I've been reading, wanting to comment, not knowing what to say. The Ben Franklin quote, "better to be silent and be tought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt" came to mind, but I'll risk it and dive in anyway. How hard, how sad, how tragic, but also how courageous to make the difficult decision instead of just putting up with the status quo. You've done what needs to be done for you, and difficult as it is, it will ultimately be ok for both of you. I'll share my favorite quote that will be true for you someday, hopefully sooner rather than later- "Just when you think you will never smile again, life comes back". Loss is loss, be it death or break-up. I've been there as you know, and am here to listen if you need an ear.