Friday was awful, of course, because that was the day of the break-up. Then yesterday sucked because I went to a social function that I (we) had committed to weeks ago, and well, I had the pork butt already thawed and waiting to be cooked and what the hell would I do with 9 pounds of pig meat by myself this week. So I cooked it off, made pulled pork with Carolina dipping sauce, and went to the party.
And had to tell everyone.
They were all wonderful and supportive and kind and all that stuff, and it still sucked. It hurts. And every time I tell a new person, it is as if I have to re-live the whole thing. It hurts. Yes, we love each other, no it's not going to work. It's been simmering under the surface for a while. No, I didn't really know it until I said it out loud. No, Laura had less of a clue than I did. Yes, we're pretty shattered. No, I don't really want a hug, but that's what everyone seems to want to do to comfort me (and them) so I take one. And cry some more.
And look, here's another person asking how Laura is and why isn't she here.
Deep breath, and start again as it comes around on the guitar...
I missed blogging last night, too. I was just too spent and too sad and flat-out emotionally exhausted to do it. So today I am doing it early so I don't get nailed again. Besides, this is my morning coffee time, and a good time to catch all four (thanks, new reader!) of you up on the progress in my world.
I came home to an empty house last night. Well, it had a large cat and a small dog in it, but no other people. The heat was turned way back, so it was kind of cold, too. I didn't bother to turn it up, just answered some emails, talked briefly on the phone, and went to bed. Then got up and microwaved an old gym sock filled with dry rice to tuck at the foot of the bed to thaw my toes. It was a cold night.
Laura is staying with some friends, and truly, they are the most wonderful friends we could hope for. I love them dearly, and so does she, and I know they won't take sides and I know they won't feed or nurture drama... they'll let each of us have what we need for space to grieve and not judge. That's nice. And those friends are rare. We are blessed to have more than a couple like that in both of our lives.
Thanks for all the well-wishes, thanks for the personal emails and the facebook messages and even some phone calls. This mourning thing is going to take some time. It's going to be awkward and weird and it will likely come in waves and cycles. Please bear with me.