I got a new AA sponsor on Sunday after church, and she's a real kick. Told her about some of the stranger aspects of what it means to be Dawn and she didn't blink. Then I remembered that she's a retired therapist, who dealt with all kinds of addictions and behaviors. I'm probably pretty tame, all things considered.
I want to do more spiritual growth - hence the new sponsor - and I want to work more toward developing a conscious contact with my higher power.
Only lately, I'm not sure at all what that higher power is.
I don't believe in the holy trinity that was the foundation of my childhood Catholic faith: that God is the Father in Heaven, Jesus his son and the Holy Ghost (later demoted to Holy Spirit, with Vatican II's effort to become more user-friendly). I don't believe that Jesus was born of a virgin or that he rose from the dead. I can handle that he existed, and that he was killed by the powers that be at the time - after all, it is not unusual for revolutionaries to be killed by the institutions they challenge.
I'm pretty sure that disqualifies me from my Catholic origins, and probably from Christianity as a whole, even the more liberal bits of it, like the UCC people. I think they still do Jesus pretty seriously.
So what do I believe? I believe in the power of the earth, as it spins through space in its orbit around our sun. I believe in its power to heal itself of just about everything, including us. I believe in the power of the sun and the moon, of gravity and the tides that cycle in and out of our harbors and beaches. I believe in the power of plants that know when to sprout and which direction to go when they do, and of trees that can suck water from deep in the earth and give back oxygen to the rest of us. I believe in the power of wetlands to filter the fluids of the earth like a set of kidneys, straining out impurities and keeping things in balance.
I pray, which some might find odd. But I do. Only lately it has been weird. With the recent evolutions in my theology, I have moved away from a person of god to a thing of god, a power, an existence, an entity of sorts, that keeps things running, but in a style that is less direct, say, than "Spock's Brain." The power of nature is huge. It is amazing. Overwhelming. All-encompassing. And more than just a little bit difficult to pray to.
Do I create my own hierarchy of saints, like the First Nations people did, and pray to the sun and the moon and the eagle and the bear? That doesn't seem to fit what feels right inside. These are not the gods I worship, but that god's creations, like me. Are they god's messengers? Perhaps. But then, so am I.
I don't say that with arrogance, please know that. I say it with heartfelt humility. I am but one of the many messengers of the divine. We all have the capacity to do god's work, nothing makes us better or less than our fellows.
This strikes me as a thing that needs to be explored in the morning hours as opposed to the nighttime ones, so I will shut down now and sleep and try again tomorrow. Sorry to stop short, but I want my brain to be rested for this exploration so that I might present an honest effort that honors the dignity of the topic.